Security from Beginning to End
Written by Anna Davey, FPQP®
We are all looking for security in some form or fashion, and it starts within moments of entering this world.
I am expecting my first child in January and thus the mother/child connection is on my mind frequently. I have questions like, “How can I form a good motherly connection? Can babies be “too” attached? How do I know what baby wants without talking?” These are just some of the thoughts circling in my mind.
Security and safety are feelings we crave from birth. Not only that, but they are necessary feelings according to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Babies use various mechanisms to find their way to security and safety. They cry, reach or whimper when they want to be enfolded in mom, or dad’s loving arms. Even an infant just born knows to find peace and comfort at the chest of his mother; skin to skin contact is often used as a therapeutic treatment for premature babies to aid in consistent breathing, regulated heart rate, sleeping, and reducing stress levels.
Maslow mentioned, (talking about infants) “He seems to want a predictable, orderly world. For instance, injustice, or inconsistency in the parents seems to make a child feel anxious and unsafe. This attitude may be not so much because of the injustices per se, or any particular pains involved, but rather because this treatment threatens to make the world look unreliable, or unsafe, or unpredictable.”
Parents who consistently and routinely meet their child’s needs help to create a basis of trust and security. A good foundation of trust can be demonstrated when a child is crying because they can’t find you (their security being out of reach), staring at you (allowing them to study and memorize your face) or being instantly soothed in your arms. Once the foundation of trust is established, infants cry with expectation because they have learned that you are reliable to meet their needs – a proven and trusted base.
Of course, this all changes as they grow older. Adults are no longer crying for mom or dad (at least for basic needs) at age 25. We grow to be more independent. But our desire and need for security, safety, and predictability remains. Unfortunately, through age and experience, we are faced with the reality that the world is full of threats, volatility, and uncertainty. The security that mom and/or dad provided covered only the small world we once knew.
Todd frequently quotes his dad who often said that “we decide in the light what we will do in the dark”. This means that we build good plans for our future when we can think and see clearly. These plans offer a foundation of trust and security that is similar to those mentioned previously. When we make good plans that have proven to meet our needs, they can supply peace and comfort even when anxiety arises (like the feeling of a child looking for their mother).
Relying on a team of advisors to monitor an allocation that was established in the “light”, along with the flexibility to make needed adjustments, has delivered success time and time again – a proven and trusted plan.
Similarly, it is also wise to have estate plans in place far before they are needed. When making decisions about beneficiaries, healthcare directives and end-of-life care, it’s crucial to be of a sound mind to consider all implications. Having these plans already in place offers security in the event of incapacitation, memory loss, and eventually death. Deciding these things in the light can alleviate some of the fear that comes with the dark.
For some it feels a little bit like one of those “dark” periods now. Remind yourself of the foundation you established before uncertainty arose. It is okay to “cry,” but I encourage you to do so with expectation as you remember the reliability of those plans that you made in the “light”.